I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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