chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
