i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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