Your dad touched me again.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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