i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
