can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
