so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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