There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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