so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
