The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
