In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
