i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
