You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
