Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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