Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
