The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
whose ass print is on the piano?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
