8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
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