M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
