he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
