never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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