Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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