im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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