Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
