I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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