just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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