We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
