I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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