guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
