You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
