I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
