Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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