Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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