my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
