I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
