turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
