i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
