I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
