Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
