i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
