did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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