just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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