So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
