Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
