i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
