i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
