just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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