I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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