I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
