Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
