we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
